Okay. So I am sitting in my doctor's office today for a 10:15 appointment. It's 12:15 and the office lobby still is littered with 4 of the same fools who were waiting when I got here at 10:00. I've exhausted the fine literature in the lobby and my mind needs distraction from the boiling rage I feel simmering just below the surface. The last selection on the rack is the May 2008 edition of Maxim Men's Magazine. Are you familiar with its content? If not, here's the magazine's home page (http://www.maxim.com/ ). This is not my favored reading material, but the slim pickens of distractible stimuli are leaving me with a choice of counting the moles on left arm of the sniffling lady on my right (then distinguishing which ones have hair growing out of them) or diving into cover girl Elisha Cuthbert's tell-all secrets.
What draws my attention is the Header declaring that Maxim Editors have determined the 300 Movies that Every Red Blooded American Male Must See Before He Dies! So I go for it, figuring that the Editors of Maxim have very puerile evaluation skills and I can boost my ego by being a sophisticated movie snob in comparison to their selections. Well, in thumbing through their list I surprisingly found my tastes to follow closely with theirs. I quickly jotted down the list of movies knowing that because I had found something that actually captured my interest it would not fail that the Doctor would see me within the next 13 seconds.
COMEDIES:
Monty Python and The Holy Grail
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgandy
The Big Lebowski
Kingpin
Borat: Cultural Learnings of America...
This Is Spinal Tap (MY LOVE FOR NIGEL TUFNEL IS WELL KNOWN)
Airplane!
Animal House
American Pie
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
Bachelor Party
Bananas
Beverly Hills Cop
Blazing Saddles
Caddyshack
The Cannonball Run
Clerks
Dazed & Confused
Duck Soup
Dumb and Dumber
Election (THERE ARE SOME JARRING SCENES IN THIS FILM- I THINK IT"S THE EDITING)
The 40 YearOld Virgin
Ghostbusters
Groundhog Day (BET YOU DIDN"T KNOW THAT GROUNDHOG DAY WAS MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY, BUT NOT BECAUSE OF THIS FILM)
Happy Gilmore
Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
It's A Mad, Mad, Mad World
The Jerk
Modern Times
The Nutty Professor
Office Space
Old School
The Pink Panther Strikes Again
The Princess Bride
Raising Arizona (ONE OF MY FAVORITE SCENES IN MOVIES OCCURS HERE)
Sixteen Candles ("NO MORE YANKY MY WANKY -THE DONGER NEEDS FOOD!")
Some Like It Hot
Trading Places
Vacation
Wedding Crashers
Wet Hot American Summer
Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory
Young Frankenstein
WAR:
The Bridge on the River Kwai
Dr. Strangelove (PETER SELLERS WAS A GREAT CHARACTER ACTOR)
The Deer Hunter
Apocalypse Now
Black Hawk Down
The Dirty Dozen
Gallopoli
The Great Escape
M*A*S*H
Platoon
Saving Private Ryan
SO BAD THEY'RE GOOD:
Showgirls
Glen or Glenda?
Airport 1975
Barbarella
Battlefield Earth
Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls
Death Race 2000
Phantom of the Paradise
Reefer Madness
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
The Toxic Avenger
REBELS:
Cool Hand Luke (IN SCHOOL PLAYS I PATTERNED MY CHARACTER ON STROTHER MARTIN'S FROM COOL HAND LUKE)
Taxi Driver
Sid & Nancy
Easy Rider
Billy Jack
Dirty Harry
Dirty Mary Crazy Larry
Ferris Beuller's Day Off (BELEIVE IT OR NOT, FERRIS WAS TOO MUCH OF A SMART-ASS FOR ME TO LIKE HIM)
The Graduate
A History of Violence
The Hustler
The King of Comedy
Network
One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest
Raging Bull
Risky Business
Smokey and the Bandit
Three Days of The Condor
Trainspotting
CLASSICS:
The Adventures of Robin Hood
Lawrence of Arabia
Kind Hearts and Coronets
Ben-Hur
Casablanca
Double Indemnity
Metropolis
The Night of the Hunter (ROBERT MITCHUM IS GREAT HERE)
On The Waterfront
The Third Man
Touch of Evil
Vertigo (HERE'S A BIT OF TRIVIA I DON"T THINK I'VE EVER TOLD NN. JIMMY STEWART IS MY FAVORITE ACTOR OF ALL TIME)
White Heat
The Wizard of Oz
SCI-FI/FANTASY: (JEEZ! I NEVER REALIZED I LIKED SCI-FI SO MUCH)
The Empire Strikes Back
Starship Troopers
2001: A Space Odyssey
Alien/Aliens
Back to the Future
Blade Runner
Children of Men
Close Encounters of the Third Kind
E.T.
King Kong
Planet of the Apes
Star Wars
Terminator/T2
HORROR:
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Night of the Living Dead
Carrie
The Exorcist
The Fly
Halloween
Jaws
A Nightmare on Elm Street
Psycho ("IT'S MY MOTHER!", TH EXPLANATION MANY GAY GUYS USE)
Rosemary's Baby
The Shining (JACK AT HIS WEIRDEST)
28 Days Later
WESTERNS:
Jeremiah Johnson
The Searchers
The Good, The Bad And The Ugly
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE FILMS, THE EPITOME OF BUDDY MOVIES)
High Noon
High Plains Drifter
Tombstone
True Grit
Unforgiven
The Wild Bunch
BUDDY MOVIES:
The Last Detail
Top Gun (HAVE TO COMMENT ON THE HOMOEROTIC SHIRTLESS VOLLEYBALL SCENE)
Superbad
Deliverence
American Graffiti
The Blues Brothers (HAS INSPIRED GREAT KARAOKE)
Breaking Away
Glengarry GlenRoss
The Goonies
Lethal Weapon
The Right Stuff
Saturday Night Fever
The Shawshank Redemption
Stand By Me
Stripes
Swingers
The Warriors
ACTION:
Rocky I - IV
The Matrix
The Road Warrior
Batman
Batman Begins
Battle Royale
Bourne Trilogy
Braveheart
Clash of the Titans
Die Hard
Enter the Dragon
Face/Off
First Blood
48 Hrs.
Gladiator
The Incredibles (I HATED THIS MOVIE)
Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Predator
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Speed
Spider-Man
NON-GRATUITOUS NUDITY:
Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Wild Things
Carnal Knowledge
Angel Heart (CREEPY SUBJECT MATTER, THIS ONE DISTURBS ME, DENIRO AND ROURKE ARE GREAT)
Body Heat
Boogie Nights
Coffy
Jackass:The Movie
McCabe & Mrs. Miller
Mulholland Drive
Poison Ivy: The New Seduction
Revenge of the Nerds
10
ART HOUSE:
A Clockwork Orange
City of God
Annie Hall
Withnail and I
Midnight Cowboy ("I"M WALKIN' HERE!")
Badlands
The Bicycle Thief
The Conversation
Do The Right Thing (I REALLY LIKE SPIKE LEE MOVIES, THIS IS MY FAVORITE S.L. FILM)
Elephant Man
The Last Picture Show
Repo Man
Rushmore
Short Cuts
There Will Be Blood
MINDBENDERS:
The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Akira
Beetlejuice
Blue Velvet
Brazil
Donnie Darko
Edward Scissorhands
Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind
Fight Club
Memento
Pink Floyd:The Wall
The Manchurian Candidate
COPS:
Bullitt
To Live and Die in L.A.
Hard Boiled
Bad Lieutenant
Chinatown
The Departed
Donnie Brasco
Fargo (MADE THE PHRASE "I THINK I'M GONNA BARF" COMEDY GOLD)
The French Connection
RoboCop
Se7en
Shaft
The Silence of the Lambs
The Untouchables
CRIMINALS:
The Godfather I & II
No Country For Old Men
Reservoir Dogs
Bonnie & Clyde (MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE MOVIE!!!)
Atlantic City
Bad Boys
Bloody Mama
The Boys from Brazil
Boyz N the Hood
Carlito's Way
Casino
Crimes & Misdemeanors
Dog Day Afternoon
The Getaway
Get Carter
GoodFellas
Heat
A History of Violence
In Cold Blood
The Long Good Friday
Mean Streets
Midnight Express
Natural Born Killers
Pulp Fiction
River's Edge
Scarface
Sexy Beast
Sin City
Super Fly
True Romance
So there you have it. My doctor didn't call me in just about 13 seconds into copying the list, more like 13 minutes, but I scrambled nonetheless to abbreviate, hyphenate, and conjugate these film titles before I had to go to the exam room. By the time I got to the exam room my hand was about to fall off and a blister extended from my second knuckle on my pinky down the side of my hand to my wrist from the furious transcribing action of my hand flying over the mag and the notebook I was writing in. I have taken the time to italicize the movies which I've seen. I think there are 185 in all that I've seen. Ironic that the Man from U.N.C.L.E. never really considered himself to be that much of a man. Are there ones on the list that you think I must see? Are there some not on the list that you would recommend over the list?
P.S. It took me nearly a wek to decipher my scribblings and re-gain the use of my blistered hand. That's why this say Aprill 22 but didn't emerge until April 28.
ReplyDeleteHi, Man from U.N.C.L.E., I updated the post to today's date so that it will show up on the front page of the blog.
ReplyDeleteThings on the list that you should also see:
Kingpin
Wet Hot American Summer
The Dirty Dozen
Network
Raging Bull
Ben-Hur
The Good, The Bad And The Ugly
High Plains Drifter
Unforgiven
First Blood
Midnight Express
There Will Be Blood
Things not on the list that you should also see (I'm assuming these should not be limited to "guy movies" since Sixteen Candles is on the list):
The Magnificent Seven
Seven Samurai
Rashoman
Open Range
Dances with Wolves
Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans
Joe Dirt
Gosford Park
Sound of Music
Terms of Endearment
American Psycho
Rocky Balboa
Harold and Maude
9 1/2 Weeks
Pope of Greenwich Village
The Royal Tannenbaums
Wild Search (my favorite Chinese movie)
Out of Africa
Friday Night Lights
Gangs of New York (can't believe Maxim didn't have this one on their list)
Kramer v. Kramer
Empire of the Sun
Babette's Feast
Last of the Mohicans
My Left Foot
The Verdict (I think you might have already seen this one)
The Outlaw Josie Wales
Giant
Remains of the Day
Captains Courageous
Hud
Almost Famous
Spartan
Spartacus
Slingblade
RE: Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
This one has my all-time favorite romantic scene--the one where Etta Place and Butch Cassidy are riding around on his bicycle. Paul Newman did all of the bicycle stunts because the stuntman was too chicken.
Wow...Man from U.N.C.L.E., that was impressive. 300 movie titles in about 13 minutes. You should consider moonlighting at the night court as a court recorder.
ReplyDeleteI love the WWII movies and classics movies made in the 30'-40'. Gunga Din is another great movie.
Wow...Man from U.N.C.L.E., that was impressive. 300 movie titles in about 13 minutes. You should consider moonlighting at the night court as a court recorder.
ReplyDeleteI love the WWII movies and classics movies made in the 30'-40'. Gunga Din is another great movie.
April 28, 2008 10:18 PM
Yeah, I attribute my speed to the fact that I have a really huge bladder and I didn't stop for any bathroom breaks.
You haven't seen Superbad? I watched that one on the plane and people were staring at me I laughed so hard. But you know what? F-em. Thanks to the noise cancelling headphones, I couldn't even hear their insults.
ReplyDelete* rings call button *
"Another Vodka tonic, please?"
Maxim is a fantastic magazine, btw. Perfect for reading on the plane, especially if a prudish space invader starts getting a bit close.
I couldn't stand Superbad and only watched about 30 minutes of it.
ReplyDeleteHey, MonkeyPig, Why do doctors always keep you waiting? And no OB?GYN joke answers like 'What were you expecting?'
ReplyDeletewhat, no Ordinary People? Havoc?
ReplyDeleteNo accounting for taste.
We make people wait because we're busy watching one of those 300 hundred movies from the Maxim recommendation in the call-room.
ReplyDeleteMany people wait until whatever their tiny medical problem turns into a big deal before seeing a doctor. More than half of my patients come in for a 20 minutes appointment bring a bag of problems that takes me an hour to solve. Its always that "oh...by the way.." as you're walking out the exam room. If a patient has to be admitted to the hospital --> really sucks for the doc (another extra 1-2 hr to do the orders / labs / radiology studies / ect). That means an extra 1-2hr wait for everyone else -- more magazines and the Murry Povich show.
Most providers work really hard. I run 3-4 exam rooms at a time. On an average day, I see about 30 patients, do about 4-5 procedures that requires the nurse about 1 hr to set up the equipments (I don't mean just your garden variety biopsy), maybe run up to L&D to do a c-section or catch a baby. If I'm lucky, the ER don't call at 5:45 for me to see a patient that's been sitting there since 10 am.
Lunch...what lunch. My lunch starts at 1:00. That's also the start of my afternoon clinic. So, PBJ is my lunch and I woof it down as the nurse is putting the 1pm patient in the exam room.
Geez...I guess I'm venting...
MP, What are you on about? You've got nurses for sidekicks. Every patient knows it's really the nurses that do all the work.
ReplyDeleteMan from u.n.c.l.e. You must be a nurse or someone you love is a nurse...you are right, the nurses works really hard..
ReplyDelete