R.I.P. Grasshopper

David Carradine passed away. I loved him in Kung Fu and also Kill Bill. But, mostly Kung Fu. He always seemed so at peace with himself. I'm very surprised that he hanged himself.

*moment of silence*

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Hair

One of the magazines that we subscribe to is GQ. I know that this is for guys, but I love this magazine. I really like the articles, but I love the "advice" columns and the new gadgets articles. A problem I've always had, though, is with the ads because there are so may fem models in them.

I was trolling the GQ site and saw that Edward Cullen was going to be on the cover of the April issue. (Have you read his wife's autobiography??) Normally, Mr. Nonny Nu reads the issue and then passes it along to me, but this month was different. I called dibs on it at the beginning of March. Since we were moving, I was really antsy that it would be misdirected. Anyhow, it arrived this week without a hiccup.

Now. Take a look at the Burberry ad on the back of the issue:

What is going on with the dude's hair?? I could barely contain my laughter around Zac Ephron's 'do. I mean, can a man get any prettier than that? But, that was until I saw the Burberry ad. That's some hair. Oh, cripes. I was just now trying to imagine what the hair looks like from the back. Yikes. Is there a split down the middle of that guy's head with all the hair brushed forward? I don't get it. I'm just glad Mr. Nonny Nu doesn't have enough hair to do his hair that way. Thank goodness for small favors.

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Random Stuff (courtesy of Mr. Nonny Nu)

If you work at Nu Nu & Nu LLP, and if you walk past my door, you will sometimes hear me laugh out loud. The reason is because I receive stuff like the photos below from Mr. Nonny Nu.




OMG, cute sloth!

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Update on the Non

I'm sure you're wondering what the hell has happened to the rabbit, aren't you? Well, I've been wondering whether I should talk about it on the blog because you people actually know me. But, I'm secure enough in our friendship that I've decided to come out with it.

I guess I'm a bit bummed. Have been for a while. Not sure why. It's just a feeling of being lost and a failure and a fraud. A general feeling of malaise. Last night, on The History Channel, they had a thing on the Seven Deadly Sins and the one I'm committing right now is sloth, btw. Anyhow, there you have it. That's why I haven't been writing. I am normally a very optimistic person, and even when I have slumps, they usually disappear within 3-4 hours. A day, max. But, I'm just not sure why I am not shaking this.

Mr. Nonny Nu says that I should make an effort to actually make this a new year, a new beginning. I'm trying. But all that is just reminding me of how old I am and that time is marching on.

I am betting that you've all heard of Twilight (the movie) and have also heard of the Twilight series (the books). (Wow, I'm really spilling all my guts now, but that will be my New Year Resolution--to be more truthful and write more about my feelings this year on the blog.) I have a very rich imagination and the only thing I have not been able to fantasize about are married and unavailable men (I just don't feel right doing that). I'm talking about the innocuous fantasies like when Christian Bale opens the door for you or has dinner with you. Get your minds out of the gutter. The girls will know what I'm talking about.

Okay, back to the story. So, Midge and I went to see Twilight in early December. I had low hopes for it, thinking that it was a teeny bopper flick, which it was. But, the story itself was so interesting, that I bought the book that night and finished it the next day. I then finished the entire series in the next week (three additional books).

Alright, don't laugh, but I'm gonna let you in a ridiculous secret. I am not waiting for some vampire to bite my neck. What is troubling me is that I can't even imagine myself in that storyline because those characters are so dang young. I mean, I feel completely ridiculous. Wow, that has never happened to me before, not being able to put myself in a storyline, no matter how removed from reality it is. And because of what? Age. I'm 33.5, and absolutely nothing exciting has ever happened to me. No hostage situation, no bank robbery, no nothing. I can't even say it's going to go downhill from here because there is no lower score on the Excitement Scale than the one my life has right now. And, no, I'm not talking about my life at this point. I'm talking about my entire life.

Kill me now.

On a lighter note, I am starting a new project and will be running some polls throughout the next several months to ask for your opinions on the project's direction. Your input will be greatly appreciated.

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OMG, VH1, really? REALLY??

If you haven't noticed already, I think that Charm School is a pretty neat program. It combines the trashiness of reality TV with self-improvement. The premise is: take a group of trashy girls from previous TV dating shows and try to teach them some manners. The thing that is different about this show compared to most other reality shows is that the winner should have improved themselves more than the other contestants. It's a show about improvement. (So is Celebrity Fit Club, which I also love.)

This season, the headmaster is Sharon Osbourne, who I LOVE LOVE LOVE!! She is the daughter of Ozzy Osbourne's ex-manager, and she actually got into quite an argument with her dad when she fell in love with Ozzy and married him. Her dad naturally stopped managing Ozzy, and Sharon took the reigns. Well, the rest is history. I think of her as a very astute woman who is able to see through "women's wiles." (You know that she has handled a few groupies in her time.) So, when they announced that Sharon Osbourne would be the headmaster, I was head over heels because I thought that these girls wouldn't be able to pull anything over her eyes.

But, the most recent episode has started me wondering. There is a troublemaker on the show by the name of Lacey. She gets into others' personal space, and when they react by pushing her off of them, she accuses them of hitting her. She does this to various people, but her main target is a girl named Dallas. On Rock of Love, Dallas was kicked off the show because she pushed Lacey very hard, causing Lacey to bump her head on a kitchen counter. But, this was only because Lacey was on her like white on rice (see, e.g., photo above). Well, on the most recent episode of Charm School, Lacey pulled the same thing, except she actually splashed a drink on Dallas. Through it all, Dallas kept her cool and did not initiate any physical contact with Lacey.

Unfortunately, Lacey and Dallas were shortly after paired as a team to create a PSA. Dallas was understandably upset, after being recently assaulted and battered by Lacey. It was no wonder that she gave less than 100% to their project. At elimination, Sharon Osbourne completely disregarded all testimony (not just from Dallas) of Lacey's behavior, and instead kicked off Dallas based solely upon her failure to give 100%.

Now, the rules do not require the headmaster to eliminate a contestant based solely upon the contestant's performance on the weekly project, which seems to be what Sharon did. So, I'm now really disappointed that Sharon bought in to Lacey's BS. But, did she? Or, was Lacey kept on for ratings?

(OMG, I can't believe I just blogged about this. But, it's too late now. I wrote the whole thing already and I'm going to post it.)

So, what do you guys think?? I think I'm going to be crushed if Sharon Osbourne gets duped by this chick.

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Is it so wrong?

Okay, folks, I have a confession to make. I have very little experience dancing. In fact, I would categorize myself in the "don't know how to dance" category. Sure, I have my little "moves" that I do around the house, but it's not really something that people should be exposed to. But, ever since I got the Richard Simmons DVDs, I think I've really improved! I am now proficient at the Cha Cha. I can do the stir and the rumble. I am okay at doing the X's. So, here's the question I have for you: Is it so wrong to learn to dance from Richard Simmons?? I think I look pretty good.

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So long, Paul.

Sad news, everyone. Paul Newman passed away yesterday. This makes me a very, very sad rabbit. Here is a nice article about his life and career. Here is my favorite photo of him:

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Richard Simmons

I really love this guy. Richard Simmons is so genuine and so caring. He has a show on Sirius on Sundays and I love to drive around town on errands and listen to him call up people and cheer them up. I just ordered "SuperSweatin': Party Off the Pounds" and "SuperTonin': Totally Tonin'" (with the rings, of course). The only thing that is bumming me out is that it will take 2-4 weeks for delivery! I will be sticking with Yoga for Beginners until then.

Here is Richard testifying in front of Congress (can you believe he is 60 years old?). I know that this may come across as a bit over the top to some, but I think it is coming from the heart. And, I think his idea is great.



Here is the link for Richard's Fit Kids Bill. And, here is Richard talking about the bill on David Letterman:

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Old v. New

I've finally gotten a chance to take a breath, and one of my favorite things to do is take a book with me to a restaurant and just read and eat by myself. I just love doing that. So, I went to Barnes and Noble to get a new batch of books. I selected Sex and the City by Candace Bushnell, and Dracula by Bram Stoker. So far, Dracula has completely captured my attention. I can see why has lasted over a hundred years (it was first published in 1897) and will probably last for another hundred years (easy). Sex and the City is not bad, but it's no Dracula.

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300 Movies You Must See Before You Dieby Man from U.N.C.L.E. (guest blogger)

Okay. So I am sitting in my doctor's office today for a 10:15 appointment. It's 12:15 and the office lobby still is littered with 4 of the same fools who were waiting when I got here at 10:00. I've exhausted the fine literature in the lobby and my mind needs distraction from the boiling rage I feel simmering just below the surface. The last selection on the rack is the May 2008 edition of Maxim Men's Magazine. Are you familiar with its content? If not, here's the magazine's home page (http://www.maxim.com/ ). This is not my favored reading material, but the slim pickens of distractible stimuli are leaving me with a choice of counting the moles on left arm of the sniffling lady on my right (then distinguishing which ones have hair growing out of them) or diving into cover girl Elisha Cuthbert's tell-all secrets.



What draws my attention is the Header declaring that Maxim Editors have determined the 300 Movies that Every Red Blooded American Male Must See Before He Dies! So I go for it, figuring that the Editors of Maxim have very puerile evaluation skills and I can boost my ego by being a sophisticated movie snob in comparison to their selections. Well, in thumbing through their list I surprisingly found my tastes to follow closely with theirs. I quickly jotted down the list of movies knowing that because I had found something that actually captured my interest it would not fail that the Doctor would see me within the next 13 seconds.

COMEDIES:
Monty Python and The Holy Grail
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgandy
The Big Lebowski
Kingpin
Borat: Cultural Learnings of America...
This Is Spinal Tap (MY LOVE FOR NIGEL TUFNEL IS WELL KNOWN)
Airplane!
Animal House
American Pie
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
Bachelor Party
Bananas
Beverly Hills Cop
Blazing Saddles
Caddyshack
The Cannonball Run
Clerks
Dazed & Confused
Duck Soup
Dumb and Dumber
Election (THERE ARE SOME JARRING SCENES IN THIS FILM- I THINK IT"S THE EDITING)
The 40 YearOld Virgin
Ghostbusters
Groundhog Day (BET YOU DIDN"T KNOW THAT GROUNDHOG DAY WAS MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY, BUT NOT BECAUSE OF THIS FILM)
Happy Gilmore
Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
It's A Mad, Mad, Mad World
The Jerk
Modern Times
The Nutty Professor
Office Space
Old School
The Pink Panther Strikes Again
The Princess Bride
Raising Arizona (ONE OF MY FAVORITE SCENES IN MOVIES OCCURS HERE)
Sixteen Candles ("NO MORE YANKY MY WANKY -THE DONGER NEEDS FOOD!")
Some Like It Hot
Trading Places
Vacation
Wedding Crashers
Wet Hot American Summer
Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory
Young Frankenstein

WAR:
The Bridge on the River Kwai
Dr. Strangelove (PETER SELLERS WAS A GREAT CHARACTER ACTOR)
The Deer Hunter
Apocalypse Now
Black Hawk Down
The Dirty Dozen
Gallopoli
The Great Escape
M*A*S*H
Platoon
Saving Private Ryan

SO BAD THEY'RE GOOD:
Showgirls
Glen or Glenda?
Airport 1975
Barbarella
Battlefield Earth
Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls
Death Race 2000
Phantom of the Paradise
Reefer Madness
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
The Toxic Avenger

REBELS:
Cool Hand Luke (IN SCHOOL PLAYS I PATTERNED MY CHARACTER ON STROTHER MARTIN'S FROM COOL HAND LUKE)
Taxi Driver
Sid & Nancy
Easy Rider
Billy Jack
Dirty Harry
Dirty Mary Crazy Larry
Ferris Beuller's Day Off (BELEIVE IT OR NOT, FERRIS WAS TOO MUCH OF A SMART-ASS FOR ME TO LIKE HIM)
The Graduate
A History of Violence
The Hustler
The King of Comedy
Network
One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest
Raging Bull
Risky Business
Smokey and the Bandit
Three Days of The Condor
Trainspotting

CLASSICS:
The Adventures of Robin Hood
Lawrence of Arabia
Kind Hearts and Coronets
Ben-Hur
Casablanca
Double Indemnity
Metropolis
The Night of the Hunter (ROBERT MITCHUM IS GREAT HERE)
On The Waterfront
The Third Man
Touch of Evil
Vertigo (HERE'S A BIT OF TRIVIA I DON"T THINK I'VE EVER TOLD NN. JIMMY STEWART IS MY FAVORITE ACTOR OF ALL TIME)
White Heat
The Wizard of Oz

SCI-FI/FANTASY: (JEEZ! I NEVER REALIZED I LIKED SCI-FI SO MUCH)
The Empire Strikes Back
Starship Troopers
2001: A Space Odyssey
Alien/Aliens
Back to the Future
Blade Runner
Children of Men
Close Encounters of the Third Kind
E.T.
King Kong
Planet of the Apes
Star Wars
Terminator/T2

HORROR:
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Night of the Living Dead
Carrie
The Exorcist
The Fly
Halloween
Jaws
A Nightmare on Elm Street
Psycho ("IT'S MY MOTHER!", TH EXPLANATION MANY GAY GUYS USE)
Rosemary's Baby
The Shining (JACK AT HIS WEIRDEST)
28 Days Later

WESTERNS:
Jeremiah Johnson
The Searchers
The Good, The Bad And The Ugly
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE FILMS, THE EPITOME OF BUDDY MOVIES)
High Noon
High Plains Drifter
Tombstone
True Grit
Unforgiven
The Wild Bunch

BUDDY MOVIES:
The Last Detail
Top Gun (HAVE TO COMMENT ON THE HOMOEROTIC SHIRTLESS VOLLEYBALL SCENE)
Superbad
Deliverence
American Graffiti
The Blues Brothers (HAS INSPIRED GREAT KARAOKE)
Breaking Away
Glengarry GlenRoss
The Goonies
Lethal Weapon
The Right Stuff
Saturday Night Fever
The Shawshank Redemption
Stand By Me
Stripes
Swingers
The Warriors

ACTION:
Rocky I - IV
The Matrix
The Road Warrior
Batman
Batman Begins
Battle Royale
Bourne Trilogy
Braveheart
Clash of the Titans
Die Hard
Enter the Dragon
Face/Off
First Blood
48 Hrs.
Gladiator
The Incredibles (I HATED THIS MOVIE)
Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Predator
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Speed
Spider-Man

NON-GRATUITOUS NUDITY:
Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Wild Things
Carnal Knowledge
Angel Heart (CREEPY SUBJECT MATTER, THIS ONE DISTURBS ME, DENIRO AND ROURKE ARE GREAT)
Body Heat
Boogie Nights
Coffy
Jackass:The Movie
McCabe & Mrs. Miller
Mulholland Drive
Poison Ivy: The New Seduction
Revenge of the Nerds
10

ART HOUSE:
A Clockwork Orange
City of God
Annie Hall
Withnail and I
Midnight Cowboy ("I"M WALKIN' HERE!")
Badlands
The Bicycle Thief
The Conversation
Do The Right Thing (I REALLY LIKE SPIKE LEE MOVIES, THIS IS MY FAVORITE S.L. FILM)
Elephant Man
The Last Picture Show
Repo Man
Rushmore
Short Cuts
There Will Be Blood

MINDBENDERS:
The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Akira
Beetlejuice
Blue Velvet
Brazil
Donnie Darko
Edward Scissorhands
Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind
Fight Club
Memento
Pink Floyd:The Wall
The Manchurian Candidate

COPS:
Bullitt
To Live and Die in L.A.
Hard Boiled
Bad Lieutenant
Chinatown
The Departed
Donnie Brasco
Fargo (MADE THE PHRASE "I THINK I'M GONNA BARF" COMEDY GOLD)
The French Connection
RoboCop
Se7en
Shaft
The Silence of the Lambs
The Untouchables

CRIMINALS:
The Godfather I & II
No Country For Old Men
Reservoir Dogs
Bonnie & Clyde (MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE MOVIE!!!)
Atlantic City
Bad Boys
Bloody Mama
The Boys from Brazil
Boyz N the Hood
Carlito's Way
Casino
Crimes & Misdemeanors
Dog Day Afternoon
The Getaway
Get Carter
GoodFellas
Heat
A History of Violence
In Cold Blood
The Long Good Friday
Mean Streets
Midnight Express
Natural Born Killers
Pulp Fiction
River's Edge
Scarface
Sexy Beast
Sin City
Super Fly
True Romance

So there you have it. My doctor didn't call me in just about 13 seconds into copying the list, more like 13 minutes, but I scrambled nonetheless to abbreviate, hyphenate, and conjugate these film titles before I had to go to the exam room. By the time I got to the exam room my hand was about to fall off and a blister extended from my second knuckle on my pinky down the side of my hand to my wrist from the furious transcribing action of my hand flying over the mag and the notebook I was writing in. I have taken the time to italicize the movies which I've seen. I think there are 185 in all that I've seen. Ironic that the Man from U.N.C.L.E. never really considered himself to be that much of a man. Are there ones on the list that you think I must see? Are there some not on the list that you would recommend over the list?

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My Cry's Adventure

As you all know, Mr. Nonny Nu went into crisis mode on Friday because the living room's TV went out. Kaput. It just shut down. And, besides the TV, he only has us and the Nu kitties to keep him company during the day. Understandably, he went nutters.

Anyhow, the old TV we had was a Sony Wega XBR that we got in 2000 for around $3000. It has gone through one cross-country move, one cross-state move, and one cross-floor (from upstairs to downstairs) move. The one thing that I absolutely hated about this thing is that it was SO FUCKING HEAVY. The TV position is in a corner of the living room, and every time we added a new video or audio contraption to the set up, I'd have to squish back there and try to get everything plugged in.

Okay, back to the story. When I got home Friday night, we just decided not to succumb to the mass hysteria, and to take our time getting the right TV for us. We got dinner and watched Taxi on his iMac. It was great, actually. Then, we went to bed and watched TV on the old standby in the bedroom. It wasn't too bad, even though Mr. Nonny Nu pouted the whole way through.

The next day, we decided to just get an interim TV which would replace the bedroom TV when we got the real McCoy. I wanted to go to Best Buy, Circuit City, or Costco. Instead, I was sent to Cry's. Now, you all know how I feel about Cry's. This was an unforgivable wrong and a complete betrayal of my trust by Mr. Nonny Nu. And, to do what? To do a guy's job--haggling for electronics. You know how your mom always puts the whole family through some sort of hell around the holidays and, because it has become evidently inevitable, the whole family becomes resigned to it and just "let's it happen?" This is how I felt. It is like when a deranged but proud parent who overestimates their kid's ability and charisma keeps pushing the kid to perform in public. That's exactly how it feels.

So, off I went to Cry's. I find one that looks pretty good--the Toshiba 37HL67. Mr. Nonny Nu confirms that it has good ratings on CNET. It's at a very good price ($728), but the only one they had left was open box. And, guess what? They won't give a discount for open box, even though it was bought, opened, and then returned. And, out of curiosity, I ask about floor models. Oh, that would be a 5% discount on those. So, I ask the salesman, "You mean you will give me $36 off on an item that you've been using 24/7 in your showroom for months?" The salesman applied in the affirmative and explained that it was "policy," but I detected a crack in his signature Cry's "we can't do anything for you" mask.

Under Mr. Nonny Nu's instructions, I requested that the TV that I was going to buy be brought up to the sales floor and set up to verify that all the accessories were present and that it really did work. And, who does the salesman get to do this? Another salesman, who happened to have a gimpy leg. GREAT. Can you believe this shit? Now, the gimpy salesman is the only person I like at Cry's. He was very nice and did all of the assembly himself. I wasn't going to touch the thing since I didn't want any liability. But, I wanted to help so much because of his leg. This really killed me. I am a shamed rabbit.

Everything checked out. The TV came with a stand and it looked like the packaging for the stand wasn't even opened. The packaging for the instructions and the remote was also sealed, so it really did look like someone just brought it home and changed their minds. Of course, we'll never know if they dropped it between the car and their house, right? But, the box didn't look like it was dropped. I just don't know! Anyhow, there's a 30 day return policy on it.

So, we put the TV back in the box (I couldn't stand it any longer and just had to help out) and I wheeled it to the registers. As I was paying for the thing, I ask the clerk for help to my car, since is a rather larger rectangular box that is thin and being wheeled on a cart that has no tie-downs. She presents me with a release of liability for any damage occurring during the transport and loading of the item to my car. I ask her, "So, if I don't sign this, you guys won't help me to my car?" Obviously, the answer should be "Yes, if you don't sign this, we won't help you to your car." But, she hems and haws and invokes the "policy" again and says stuff like, "You need to sign this so we can bring the TV to your car." As if I am the one holding us up. What kind of store refuses to help their customers to their cars unless the customers release them from liability? And, if their clerks drop my TV on the way, is it really fair that I eat that?? OMG, I was about to go ballistic.

Rabbits don't do well in these sorts of situations. And, when I say, "these sorts of situations," I'm referring to situations in which I am creeped out by the personnel and feel like I'm getting shafted. What they don't tell you about the flight or fight response is that one can only fly so long. So, I start to raise my voice. I ask the clerk exasperatedly whether I am reading the language correctly, that if their people were to drop the TV I just now bought for $800 (including tax), then I just have to eat that. By now, there were quite a few people in line and at neighboring registers listening in on the conversation. Her response? (You're going to love this.)

"Madame, you did not pay $800 for the television. It is only $799.82."

HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAAA!!!!!!!!

Sensing that I was about to jam my pen into the clerk's left eye, the manager comes over and asks if he could be of any help. So, I explain to him that I think I have interpreted the release language correctly to mean that any damage caused by Cry's clerks to the TV between here and my car will be on me. He says that this is a correct interpretation. I ask him the question that I asked the clerk:

nn: "So, if I don't sign this, you guys won't help me to my car?"

manager: "That is correct."

nn: "Is your personnel going to take the TV into a loading elevator in the back or something? Because the TV box isn't really stable on this cart."

manager: "No."

nn: "Well, which route are they going to take to get the TV to my car?"

manager: "The same route you would take--out the front door."

nn: "Oh, you mean they are going out the front door, then down the first ramp, turn, and then down the second ramp? You mean that route?"

manager: "Yes."

nn: "Hm. Cry's designed this building, right?"

manager: "Yes, we have a different theme for every location. This one is the Egyptian theme."

nn: "We are on the second floor, right?"

manager: "Yes."

nn: "So, let me get this straight. I think I know the answer, but I just want to hear it from you. Cry's designed this building so that the entrance and exit will be on the second floor and, in order to get to the parking floor, all customers would have to walk down two ramps that have a turn in between them. And, and even though this box has nothing to secure it to the only cart you provide for your customers, the only way that you will help me navigate this $800 television down the two ramps that you made necessary is if I pay for any damage that your people do to my TV on the treacherous route that you designed?"

manager: "Um, yeah. It's policy."

I could not counter his logic. Alright, by this time, I was ready to go home. Actually, I was ready to go home when I parked the Dolly, but who's counting, right? So, I sign the release. Why? Because I'd have to do it myself otherwise, and I'd rather have two helpers that I can supervise than nothing at all. By this time, the helpers had arrived so I put the receipt on the cart's small upper level babyseat so that I can use my hands to stabilize the box as the helpers wheel the cart. As we go toward the door, the cart begins to slow down. I wonder why, and look up in time to see the receipt inspector approach and take the receipt out of the babyseat.

She starts checking off the corn nuts that I bought. Then, she starts to look for the TV box's zebra code to check that off. In the meantime, I ask what she is doing. She ignores me.

No...she...di'unt, did she? This time, I put my hand over the portion of the receipt that she's looking at and ask her again.

nn: "What are you doing?"

inspector: "I'm checking you out."

nn: "I'm sorry, I was already checked out. I paid for this item at register 29. This is why I have a receipt."

inspector: "But, I still have to check you on your way out. It's the rules."

nn: "Oh? That sounds official. Which California or federal statute requires this?"

inspector: "Oh, I don't know, but it's our policy."

nn: "Oh, so it's not a law?"

inspector: "No."

nn: "Well, why didn't you say so in the first place?"

At this time, I snatched the receipt back before she could check off the TV box. I'm not normally this rude, but I guess I just had it. Good thing is, the guy behind me breezed past the inspector and told her, "No, you just said it wasn't required by law."

By this time, the helpers just wanted to get me gone. So they said that they'd handle things from here and suggested that I drive my car to the bottom of the ramp. I politely declined and explained that I would be accompanying them the whole way since I just now signed a release saying that if they were to drop the TV, I'd be eating it. They understood, and we went on our merry way.

Do you guys see why I hate Cry's?

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Good Trash TV

Now that you've all been exposed to my high falutin' viewing of BBC shows, lemme tell you about my love of trash TV. Would you believe that your dear little rabbit used to love watching The Jerry Springer Show?* Sometimes, you just have to have some topless fat chick with your Jane Austen, okay? I'm just sayin'.

But, I'm not talking about any old trash. I'm talking about the good trash. Here are ones that I currently like:

Rock of Love
Flavor of Love
Charm School
Celebrity Fit Club
My Fair Brady
Pick-Up Artist
Scott Baio is 46 and Single/Pregnant
I Know My Kid's a Star

Gosh, I guess that makes me a VH-1 fan, doesn't it? I don't know why, but I just love watching these shows. Where do they find these outrageous people?? It's almost as if you have to have some issues or else you don't get picked to be on the show.

And, those "of Love" shows are ridiculous. First of all, I can't believe they can't get better looking chicks on these shows. (Oh, dear, get ready for sluggy's "you're biased against women" tirade...) On Rock of Love, Bret Michaels said one of the contestants was one of the hottest groupies ever. Wha...? Take a look for yourself:
And, no, I didn't purposely choose a bad shot of her. But, seriously, a hot groupie would be Bebe Nuell:Which is why, even with Steven Tyler's face, you still get:
Okay, let's see the side by side comparison:
One has eyebrows and looks like a woman. The other? Not so much. As G.O.B. would say, come on!

Oh, the second thing about those "of Love" shows that make me cringe is when the dude kisses one chick and then turns around and kisses another one. GROSS. We are talking about deep sea diving kisses here, not pecks on the cheek. YUCK.

But, the ridiculousness of these shows is what gets me watching all the time. It's so insane the stuff they do! This Sunday, I will be watching Viva Hollywood, which is a competition to find the next telenovella star for Telemundo. The previews looked completely crazy, people! And, yes, Mr. Nonny Nu watches with me, thank you.

*I have outgrown Jerry Springer, folks, so you don't have to worry about me.

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Earth to Mayor Newsom

We are no longer in the late 80s, and you are not Christian Bale.

Is it just me? Or is this guy uncommonly greasy for a mayor? And, not just of some rinky dink town. We are talking cosmopolitan San Francisco, after all. What's with the wet look this guy is sporting? I haven't seen anything like it since Pat Riley was with the Lakers. Now, I normally go for the clean cut, suited-up look but, for some strange reason, this guy just rubs me the wrong way (and not the good way like Bobby Peru).

Nevermind his zany affairs, his crazy stalkers, or the way he is constantly caressing himself. I am just talking about his look right now. Newsom reminds me of this waiter at a place Freelance Midget and I like to call "Grease Ball Noodle Soup." For those of you in the Bay Area, you will recognize this as the Mountain View branch of TK Noodle House (apparently, it is now closed). There was a low-rent Bobby Peru character there* who would ogle you and smile a "come hither, my sweet" smile as he led you to your table. I used to love to go with Midge because he'd ogle the "fresh meat" and leave me alone. Anyhow, he sported that slicked-back look that Mayor Newsom has made his signature.

So, please, Mayor Newsom, I beg you--get rid of that greasy ball of wax on your skull. It is distracting.

P.S. Christian Bale (another Nonny Nu-approved gentleman) and his, um, physique in American Psycho is one the best of all time. Check it out:

Mr. Nonny Nu, please model yourself after this person^^. Thank you.

*I know that you are wondering how this can even be possible, so don't even try to decipher what a high-rent Bobby Peru would be--he doesn't exist in this dimension.

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Smoking

Did I ever tell you that my favorite magazine is GQ? That, and MAD Magazine. The best part of MAD is the little cartoons they have in the margins. Those are the best, but so often overlooked. Also, I like the the folding back page where it looks like one thing flat, but something else when folded as instructed. It's called the MAD fold-in, and has been in every MAD issue ever since 1964. Okay, anywho, I let these two subscriptions lapse but, today, I made things right.

But, GQ is my favorite magazine. I just love to read about all the little details that go into a man's wardrobe, and the funky things they think about. For example, in the March 2008 issue (the one with Eric Bana on the cover), there is an article about how married men pretend to be single. Can you believe that?! Good read. And, no, I don't read GQ to keep tabs on my bear. I just think men are cool--I LOVE THEM! I don't know why, but I so much rather read about men's fashion than women's. Also, they tell me a lot of neat things from a man's point of view. (Check out their London '007: A Man's Guide to the Coolest City on the Planet--not points of interest that a woman would find on her own, right? I would love to visit all of these places!)

Okay, but I have a bit of a beef with GQ's readers. The February 2008 issue featured Josh Brolin on the cover smoking a cigarette. In the March 2008 issue that I'm reading now, a few readers wrote in about how appalled and disturbed they were to find GQ trying to make smoking look cool. (I'll post the letters later.) Okay, seriously, folks, is this really that a big a deal? We have all these "truth" anti-smoking commercials and entire cities that are now smoke-free zones. But, we can't even photograph a person smoking and put them on a magazine without being criticized anymore?

Look, I don't smoke. I tried it once and didn't understand what was supposed to be good tasting about cigarettes. But, you know what? Smoking does look cool on some people. I mean, check out Brolin smoking (on the cover as well as on a couch). Are you really going to sit there and tell me those cool pictures do not belong in GQ??? Drinking and speeding kill (jointly and separately), but I don't see people complaining about those things.

Also, what about those guys in the 50s and 60s? I think they looked cool:



Of course, the girls were no slouches either:


It seems to me that smoking does come across as being cool if done correctly. So, here I am reading GQ, a magazine that is all about cool, and I see reader letters complaining about the use of smoking as a cool device. What gives? Smoking looks cool, people! I think the editors handled it correctly. They looked through their archives and found only two other issues that featured a man smoking on the cover of GQ. All they said in reply was that they were aware of and acknowledged smoking's detrimental effects to health. Geez, Louise, people. I might take up smoking just to protest all this aggression against smokers.

[edit] Marlene Dietrich needs her own section, but not just because she was such a cool smoker. She also visited troops back in WWII. Here is an account of what she did, followed by more cool smoking photos:

Oh how I learned to love the medical staff and the Red Cross people. It took over a month but I recovered. My outfit was somewhere on the outskirts or Rome, thousands of Americans were storming the Normandy beaches, and I was well on the way to recovery, thanks to the marvelous support and medical attention of the300th General Hospital in Naples, Italy. I was among three thousand patients crowded into the 1000 bed facility. I had recovered to the point that I was mobile. Everyone was expected to pitch and help. I opted to help the Red Cross. Under the direction of Miss Mary Breen Ratterman from Alabama, the 300th General Red Cross detachment was a life saving miracle in action. Ms Ratterman was one of God's special angels and she loved her soldiers. She assigned to escort a USO troop that was arriving to entertain the troops. Bright and early, about 7:30 a.m. one morning I stood at the main entrance and welcomed the troop. To my delight the headline was the one and only Marlene Dietrich! She arrived in a rush, she returned daily for an entire week, she remained and left in a rush. It was her style.

First order of business was a show, presented to the patients who were able to gather in the huge cafeteria/dining hall. Marlene sang, did magic tricks and told raunchy jokes. She was clad in a translucent, shimmering blue gown, slit to reveal those million dollar legs; speaking of nice legs, I was and remain a "leg man.". Before she turned the show over to her supporting musicians and entertainers, she hiked up her dress and paraded across the stage. Then she started tossing autographed blue garters to the audience. There was pandemonium, bedlam. Wheel chairs collided; crutches and canes became weapons as the men fought to capture a prize. The authorities had to stop the show to keep from adding to the casualty list. Marlene then began a relentless, seven day, dawn to dusk tour of the entire hospital. She visited every room except the quarantine ward. She sang, she joked, she gave autographs, she flirted; she ran from bed to bed and room to room. I struggled to keep up with her. She never stopped. She lived on cigarettes, coffee and martinis worked 16-hour days every day, and was a hell of a trooper.

At one time she met up with Rita Hayworth's kid brother. He was wounded and distraught because he couldn't get a message home to tell his family that he was recovering. La Dietrich marched into the hospital commander's office, commandeered a phone and put through a call from Naples to Hollywood. She was able to link mother and son, transoceanic.

She was middle aged, she was a mother, in fact she was a grandmother, but unlike any grandmother that I had ever met. She was kind, caring and fun to be with. She autographed a picture for me and even signed a cartoon-like drawing that my girlfriend then, later my wife of many years, had sent me. Unfortunately the cartoon disappeared from the letter I sent to Jane. I always suspected some dishonest censor. I even tried to trace it but to no avail.

Finally the week was up and Marlene and company moved on. It was a tearful good bye. Few entertainers matched the Blue Angel with her husky voice, her glamour, and her genuine dedication to the troops. When she finally left I had to go back to bed for two days to recover from the pace of trying to keep up with her.

You can be certain that I became and remain an avid fan, loyal to memory of Marlene Dietrich-the lady who laughed at Hitler, refused his command appearance order and poured body and soul into the WW II effort.

[edit] Here are the letters to the editor of GQ:

My girlfriend and I look forward to receiving GQ in the mail every month--and then we fight over who gets to read it first. We always enjoy GQ's mixture of fashion-related, funny, and serious material. But the appearance of a cigarette on the cover with Josh Brolin was distasteful. I don't know aboutyou, but I see cigarettes in the hands of slobs wearing double-breasted suits or bib ties, not in the hands of GQ men. If you want to smoke, go ahead. Just don't try to make it into a statement of how chic or edgy your magazine is.
Leslie Schumacher
St. Paul, Minnesota

As the editor-in-chief of the number one men's magazine in the world, don't you think it is your responsibility to monitor the cover images you show? By printing "Josh Brolin: Return of the Tough Guy" next to the subject holding a cigarette, you are basically claiming that to be tough you need to smoke. You have a responsibility to your readers and advertisers, and this has crossed the line. I hope next time you review your covers, you think harder about the effect a picture has, especially on readers who are influenced by such images.
Ori Zemer
San Diego, California

Here is the response from Jim Nelson, GQ's editor-in-chief:

The cover shot of Josh Brolin is not an endorsement of smoking. We recognize, and have seen in our lives, the severe health risks and addictive nature of smoking, and we think that Mr. Brolin should get hypnotized, but we also acknowledge that, no matter what the science demonstrates, some people will continue to smoke. We aren't trying to make it cool. We continue to believe that the future will be largely smokeless, and we know that's a good thing.

Also included in the March 2008 issue of GQ is this awesome picture of Leonard Bernstein sporting cuffs and...drumroll please...a lit cigarette! Who knew Bernstein was cute?

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Oscars: Best Song

I watched the entire Oscars broadcast today and Mr. Nonny Nu was gracious enough to watch with me. For the most part, I can't really agree or disagree with the Academy's choice of winners this year because I haven't seen most of the performances for myself. However, there is one category upon which everyone who saw the broadcast can opine--Best Song. As you probably know, every year, the Best Song nominees perform their nominated songs during the Oscars show. So, if you watched all of the performances of the nominated songs, then you can fairly form an opinion as to whether the winner is indeed the best out of all of the songs. This year's winner is the song "Falling Slowly" from the movie Once:


Nice song. I think it wasn't bad, and I don't disagree with the Academy's choice this year. However, nominees for Best Songs are usually weak and from "feel good" movies (Disney's movie, Enchanted, had three candidates in the running this year). For me, the Best Song category is one of the most boring (right up there with Science awards--sorry, scientists!) but only because the nominees are so, well, bland. The only song that I truly felt deserved to be recognized as the Best Song winner was from 2003 (Eminem's "Lose Yourself" from 8 Mile):

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What am I missing here?

I recently rented Love Story and Ordinary People because they seemed to be such legends in film goers' minds. But, when I watched them, I couldn't figure out what was the big deal about these two movies. I was not moved by either one. The chick in Love Story didn't make me feel sorry for her when she died, and I didn't feel sorry for the dude, either. I just didn't get my heart wrenched out by watching this movie. Same with Ordinary People. This one was better than Love Story because the characters were at least not annoying. But, again, I didn't really feel anything much for them.

Now, when I go to IMDb, Love Story got 6.5 (which is expected), but Ordinary People got 7.8. Really? 7.8? You know what else got 7.8? Stuff like Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Mash, Adaptation, The Machinist, The Magnificent Seven, Glengarry Glen Ross, The Longest Day, and Fanfreakingtasia.

But, no, apparently, Ordinary People is better than:
Out of Africa (6.9<--HAHAHAHHAHHHAHAAA!!! Riiiiiight. *roll eyes*) Gosford Park (7.2)
Friday Night Lights (7.2)
Gangs of New York (7.3)
Coalminer's Daughter (7.3)
Terms of Endearment (7.3--HA!!)
Best in Show (7.4)
Kramer v. Kramer (7.6--now, this was a heartwrenching movie; I really recommend this one)
Midnight Express (7.5)
Open Range (7.5)
Shine (7.5)
Marathon Man (7.6)
Empire of the Sun (7.6)
American Grafitti (7.6)
Babette's Feast (7.7)
The Last of the Mohicans (7.7)
My Left Foot (7.7--HAHAHHAHAHAA!!!)
The Verdict (7.7)
The Outlaw Josey Wales (7.7)
Giant (7.7)
The Sound of Music (7.7--OMG, KILL ME NOW, I BEG YOU.)

Of course, if you want something just a bit better than Ordinary People, try these:
In the Name of the Father (7.9)
The Remains of the Day (7.9--this one made Mr. Nonny Nu want to kill himself more than usual)
Captains Courageous (7.9--cripes...)
Young Frankenstein (7.9)
The Searchers (7.9)
Roman Holiday (7.9)
This is Spinal Tap (11--Just kidding, this got a 7.9)
Rope (7.9)
Harold and Maude (7.9)
Rocky (7.9)
Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? (7.9)
Hud (7.9)
Dances with Wolves (7.9)
Papillon (7.9)
United 93 (7.9--yeah, this one is only a tad more interesting than Ordinary People)
Almost Famous (7.9)
The Exorcist (8.0)
Spartacus (8.0--Don't listen to him; I am Spartacus.)
The Killing Fields (8.0)
All the President's Men (8.0)
Sling Blade (8.0)
Planet of the Apes (8.0)

What is this world coming to? I really don't get what is the big deal about Ordinary People, and why it's so "moving." What am I missing here?

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BBC Series (My Anglophilia)

Am I the only one who watches these?? Maybe this is (one of) my dirty secrets, but I just LOVE the old gossipy serials! I started off watching Upstairs, Downstairs.* After I got through about 2.5 seasons, I went on to watch stuff like Pride and Prejudice, Persuasion, Chancer (season 1), and various Catherine Cookson shows. Recently, I got into watching The Duchess of Duke Street (about a female cook at the turn of the century who made a name for herself), starring Gemma Jones (a.k.a., Bridget Jones'** mum). I am concurrently trying something more modern--Monarch of the Glen (about a London restaurateur who has to go back to his struggling highland estate to whip it into shape).

Now, the BBC stuff that depicts the olden days have all been very good from the beginning. I mean, right off the first episode, I am hooked. But, the modern stuff is, well, kinda cheesy sometimes. For example, I had to talk myself into giving Chancer a chance, even though it starred Clive Owen. Same with Monarch of the Glen. But, once I give it a chance, it always grows on me. There's just some cheesy charm to these things. I'm only on disc 2 of the first season of MotG, but it's safe to say that I'm hooked.***

I just don't know what it is! I guess my love for England is making me want to have a piece of it in my own home. Honestly, these programs are rather soapy. I'm sort of ashamed to even admit this, but trash TV is a mainstay in my household (including but not limited to MTV, VH1, E!, A&E, TLC). I just have to let my brain veg for a bit when I get home, you know? I really love those set in earlier times, though. It's just neat to see how people lived back then, what they wore, how they behaved, and how they spoke. If you've never tried, you should really give it a go. I recommend The Duchess of Duke Street or Upstairs, Downstairs for your first attempt. It's really super fun!



* This one was my first because I loved Gosford Park (watched it about 20 times and have read the script), but ever since UpDown, I have been hooked on BBC stuff. Trivia: Jean Marsh plays the head housemaid in UpDown, but she also created the series. You might be thinking, "Where have I seen her before?" Jean Marsh also starred in a 1959 Twilight Zone episode entitled, "The Lonely," in which she played a robot sent to keep a convict company on a deserted planet.

** When I first watched Bridget Jones' Diary, I hated it because I couldn't understand what they were saying (same with Trainspotting--btw, if you like Kelly McDonald from Trainspotting and Gosford Park, she appears in No Country for Old Men with a dead-on Southern accent!). But, I have to credit my love for England to the second Bridget Jones movie (Edge of Reason). OMG, Colin Firth = *swoon*. Ever since then, I have been watching and reading British stuff (like Jane Austen novels and adaptations, Jasper Fforde books, both Bridget Jones books, movies with Emma Thompson and/or Alan Rickman). The one thing I can't get into is listening to the BBC station on my radio when I'm driving around in Dolly. I don't know. They just sound so serious on that station. Cripes, just look at the line up.

*** Okay, now that I think about it, there is one exception. Spooks. That one didn't grow on me even though I watched an entire season. Here's the reason. Spooks is about MI:6 (or MI:5--can't remember), so it's kinda like Alias without the stupid wigs and bad acting. The main character was played by Matthew Macfadyen, who was wonderful in the recent film adaptation of Pride and Prejudice. Anywhoo, his girlfriend in the show didn't know that he is an undercover MI:X agent and he tells her that he's some computer specialist. Of course, she gets suspicious. Long story short, he wants to marry her and, in the course of proposing, he tells her the truth.

[needless domestic drama]
She has doubts about him because he has kept this from her for so long (since they first met), and refuses to marry him. She has to think about it.
[/needless domestic drama]

So, I'm sitting here thinking, "Um, okay. Your undercover CIA agent boyfriend tells you that he wants to marry you, and you're here hemming and hawing about him not telling you about his real work before?? Tell me, what are the chances of you, a single mother and waitress, doing better than this chap?" (See, I get all British with my word choices when I talk about these TV series.) I'm not even British and I can understand why an undercover MI:X agent would keep his true identity a secret until he knows for sure that he wants to spend the rest of his life with some chick. If Mr. Nonny Nu were to tell me that he's actually an FBI agent, I would be completely fine with it. I would be understanding about it (because, don't widows of FBI agents get good compensation?).

Anyhow, this part of the plot just turned me off to the whole thing. However, I have just found out that Gemma Jones (of The Duchess of Duke Street fame) is starring in the most recent season of Spooks, so I might go back to watching it. In fact, the Matthew Macfadyen character is no longer listed as being a part of the current cast, so maybe they killed off his stupid girlfriend. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

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