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Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Let's Talk About Fat, Bay-Bee
by Man from U.N.C.L.E. (guest blogger)

Friends and family will tell you that I will never be confused with a health nut. I enjoy being a peasant in His Royal Highness' Burger Kingdom far too much for that. And The King has such delicious breakfastststs that I'll always be a faithful follower.

See, the drive-thru experience has made life just too easy for lazy asses like myself, who want that extra twenty minutes of sleep we can get by not making our own breakfasts in the morning. It's simple to spend five minutes (on a good day, when Marianne or Romero haven't been doing bong hits the night before) pulling up and sailing away from the window with artery clogging materials to eat on the way to work. Yeah, the old Chevy Cavalier may get a little messy - (actual digital photo of my car *) but it will save me from scrubbing 8 hour dried and caked on oatmeal when I get home, in addition to the dinner dishes I have to do.

The truth of the matter is I don't mind cooking dinners. I am fairly adept at an astounding 6 recipes (no joke), and neighborhood stray dogs (or other critters) only turn their noses up four times a week while scavenging through my garbage. I like the kitchen time after work - I just hate it before work. In addition, I'm cooking dinner for my little brother and me so there's the satisfaction of doing something for someone else, while the breakfast thing would just be for me, so what's the point?

But about two months ago I stepped on what would soon become my arch-enemy. I'm about 6 feet tall and was an athlete in high school, playing on my school's football team. I have been in pretty good shape throughout my life in spite of my BS diet. (Those initials are not Periodic Table abbreviations, by the way.) A little research indicates that a dude my height's "Ideal Weight" should be 175 lbs. which is around where I've been the past ten years, most often, though, I'd been weighing 172. Well, my arch-enemy gleefully told me in quite harsh and ridiculing fashion, "You're crushing me with your 189 pound lard-ass girth, fat boy!!!" And I was scared.

So I asked my little brother to step on my arch-enemy, because obviously that SOM' Bitch was lying or at least malfunctioning. Now my little brother is about 5' 5" tall and still growing, but more interested in video games, limiting his physical activity to showing off on his bicycle so he can break his arm (which is a story for another time). So my little bro settles in a top Captain Crabby Pants and is immediatedly shouted down in an unrivaled demeaning tone, "Get Off! Get Off! Two-tons of Buns!" A closer check showed my not so little bro registering in at 217 pounds, and that made me even more scared.

How'd we get so fat? (That's rhetorical)

So I started to get into an exercise routine on my own after work and was putting in about 3 miles a day, 5 days a week. My little bro has been doing Hapkaido for 3 years, 3 days a week for an hour and a half each time, and while it has taught him valuable philosophy about self conduct, it obviously hasn't kept his weight down. We signed up to do a 5K walk because my little brother didn't think he could run it, and he was right. It was a struggle for him to keep up a 20 min/mi pace.

So what can we do outside of going on The Biggest Loser(s) to get this expanding waistline issue under control? I know Nonny Nu has a coach and hiking buddies. But judging from your Blog Photo, you seem to be in tip-top hippity-hop shape as you're hopping down the bunny trail. It's time for an intervention.


白鬼(它的另一白肉) said...

it's our damn diets. (oh how i wish i grew up eating healthily.) since you're exercising again, maybe just make a few small changes to your diet, e.g., less cheese (that's what it's come to for me lately...depressing). one thing at a time, ya know? little changes for the good are better than none, and they do add up.

way to go on your recent efforts.

fine print reader said...

Oooh you tempted me with an asterisk in your post... I went looking, but found nothing at the bottom!

Please, oh please, include your missing fine print!

Man from U.N.C.L.E. said...

"Oooh you tempted me with an asterisk in your post... I went looking, but found nothing at the bottom!"

Damn, I'm such a tease!!!

Cl. Panic said...

I applaud your efforts to run. For a while I was in the routine and doing 5 km (sounds better than three miles) every other day.

Unfortunately life got in the way... you might just get me back on the wagon.

Nonny Nu said...

Well, I guess we are all getting older and finding that we can't get away with stuffing our faces. Your little brother is young, though, and it's not too late to start some good habits with him. I grew up silflaying on veggies but when I met Mr. Nonny Nu, his bad habits of eating pre-pounced seals rubbed off on me. In fact, I'm having one of these as we speak. I have gained 20 pounds in the last 14 years since I met him. Okay, granted I weighed in the double digits when we met, but I could stand to lose a few pounds.

One of the most important things that you could do, Man from U.N.C.L.E., is to START EATING. Not only should you work out, you should also try to raise your metabolism. I personally can't do without my food. That's just my drug, and I enjoy ingesting mass quantities (see, e.g., recent events), so I will always fail if I try to limit my intake. You should eat a little something throughout the day. You know, a yogurt here, some trail mix there. Eat every 2 hours!

sweetsieweatsie said...

It's ok Man. I've been living my entire life trying to eat this, avoid that, fat free this, low sodium that. It's absurd. So long as you go to the gym, you can (to an extent) eat whatever you want. I have stopped being so obsessive as of late.

I just try to take stairs instead of elevators, park further from my destination so I have to walk, work out at least 30 minutes a day, drink water, and eat veggies.

I lived a life of obsession, and when I met my boyfriend a couple of years ago, my obsession slowly but surely went away. My boyfriend is a purebred Spainiard and likes his women curvy as hell. Being Italian, I've always had curves, but he wants more. This man will order me the number 7 at Burger King even if I do not ask for it. :)

You will be fine. At least you aren't 300 pounds overweight. It's only 10 pounds or so, and they will easily come off with small subtle changes.

Man from U.N.C.L.E. said...

Good News! I'm checking in at 182 L.B.s today.

Bad News:( Little Bro is now named "Even Bigger Bro".

Nonny Nu said...

Wow! That's really good news, Man! Good job. What's up with your Even Bigger Bro?

Man from U.N.C.L.E. said...


He has acheived such Herculean development through a rigid schedule of 10 Hours of PSP gamesmanship cross trained with 10 Hours of X-Box 360 gamesmanship. Then non-chemically enhanced 16 oz. Philly Cheese Steak Graspatures at 2 Hour intervals. Also, he's getting plenty of rest!

He's not riding his bike as much as he was before he crashed it and broke his arm - so that may account for his current situation.

Here's an even more curious question, though. Why is the word pounds abbreviated as lbs.?

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