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Happy Birthday, Willy Wonka!

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Friday, June 22, 2007

Some Shameless Happy Birthday Ass Kissing
by Man from U.N.C.L.E. (guest blogger)


Let me take this opportunity to shamelessly provide some smooches to The Honorable Editor-In-Chief of The World Of Nonny Nu on the occasion of her Birthday.

Go NN, It's Your Birthday!!! Go NN, It's Your Birthday!!!

Anyway, I searched the world over to find an appropriate gift, but that company doesn't make gift boxes like this one (Seriously, someone needs to talk to their marketing department). Unfortunately, like most of my shopping trips looking for stuff for other people, I end up seeing something for myself.
HANDY TUTORIAL HERE:

How do you kiss ass successfully in a typical work environment? Follow the 10 simple steps below:
10 STEPS TO KISSING YOUR WAY TO THE TOP

  1. Never talk bad about the current boss to anyone! This includes fellow coworkers who may start the conversation. You never know who's listening and you never know who will say something.

  2. Never, ever confide personal details about yourself to anyone at work. Even the most trusted coworker will turn around and blab his mouth all over the place. People usually take "Don't tell anybody, but..." as "Don't tell anybody, but if you do, make sure they don't tell anybody." Within twenty minutes, rumors usually get around to the secretary who's sleeping with the boss. After that, you're off the promotion list.

  3. Never, ever make friends at work! Once you've kissed your way to the top, you may end up having to fire some of these people. It's a lot less painless if you've kept your distance.

  4. If your immediate boss is retiring or quitting and you have your eye on his position, find out who's going to be making the replacement decision. Very rarely will it be your boss. If your boss is popular with upper management, have him put in a good word for you and proceed with the second half of the next step.

  5. If upper management is happy your boss is leaving, talk to your boss' boss and kiss his ass. A lot of times you don't have to wait for your boss to quit. If you can nonchalantly get in good with the higher ups, you may end up taking your boss' job anyway. Don't offer suggestions on how to better run the place, those are too easily shot down. Tell him that your mother's maiden name is the same as his last name and that you're probably related. This technique is especially powerful if he has some off the wall ethnic name! Find out which church he goes to or what organizations he belongs to and "just by coincidence" run into him at one of these places. "Wow, we think so much alike!" or "we have so much in common" is a good ice breaker.

  6. As soon as the decision making person trusts you, you can eliminate any competition by saying things like, "You know, I think so-and-so would be a good manager, but...and I really don't think I should bring it up...but, I've heard him say that if he was promoted, he's going to start his own business and take our client base with him. But please, keep this between me and you." Believe me, as long as you can say it with a straight face, so-and-so will be cleaning the corporate toilets the following Monday!

  7. Once you've gotten your boss' position, start kissing higher level asses by repeating the steps starting with number 5, in addition to using the advanced ass kissing techniques that follow.

  8. Hire yourself a whipping boy; someone who's young, impressionable and expendable. Tell him crap like, "You can go far in this company. Just follow my lead." His main function will be to spy on your subordinates, eliminate anyone trying to kiss his way into your position in addition to taking the blame for all of your mistakes.

  9. Make yourself look important. Leave instructions before going home to "page me if there's any problems." Have your whipping boy start some type of bogus crisis that only you can fix. After coming back to work, have your whipping boy call corporate and inform them that you've come back and are handling the problem. If you know a few customers personally, have them write a letter of praise to the company President telling him how you saved the day.

  10. Make yourself look good on paper, too. Ask for an increased budget, then lay some dead weight off, order cheaper supplies and replace menial jobs with state-sponsored mentally retarded workers. Then, next quarter brag about how much you came in under budget and how much money you saved the company! Also mention that given the opportunity you could do the same for the whole company! Can't you just see the CEOs' mouths just watering?


I hope those tips help out TWoNN's bloggers!!!

Now getting back to the subject at hand and my search for the appropriate gift coming up empty. Since I couldn't find The Maggi Sauce, and it appears that Nonny Nu also has a love for flowers, I wrote this song. Hum any melody that you care to and shake your jewelery for percussion.

THIS FLOWER

The beauty of this rose will fade

But the memory of its beauty will remain

The flower and friendship are the same

Two of the beautiful creations of God's Domain

This flower is yellow like the sunrise

High in the sky the sun's shining bright

When you see it think of better times

And always remember that it is Her light

A friend is someone who is like the sun

And together with this flower the three are one

Each start off weak, then grow to a peak

Then they drift on slowly until the cycle is complete

And as every day you watch the sun set

Keep in mind that there are better days yet

For the flower and the sun will rise up again

And the beauty of your memories will still remain

So Hallmark is not going to be hiring me anytime. But I sincerely wish you a Happy Birthday, Nonny Nu. You are a beautiful friend.

8 comments:

stillman said...

happy birthday!

gift to follow at next hike.

Nonny Nu said...

Awww...thanks so much, Man from U.N.C.L.E.!!

Enjoy your promotion to MAYO status!

Nonny Nu said...

Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO OGUNSGIRL!!!

*hugs*
*kisses*

Cl. Panic said...

Yes, very happy birthday indeed.

Cl. Panic said...

But this is just a tad to phallic, no?

Nonny Nu said...

Stillman! I can't wait for the gift! *rubs hands together gleefully*

Man from U.N.C.L.E.! Sorry, I already did numbers 2 and 3. I guess it's a good thing that this is The World of Nonny Nu, huh?

Man from U.N.C.L.E. said...

Nonny Nu: You don't have to kiss ass. You're The Boss of TWoNN whose ass gets kissed. The tips were for all the other bloggers here and myself to be better brown nosers to you. :)

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