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Monday, June 4, 2007

Ultimate Fight: Reason vs. Monkey
by Freelance Midget (guest blogger)

I know you've all been waiting with bated breath for SS Sociopath, Part II - The Harvest, so here it is.

Scene: beautiful Sunday afternoon, a freshly showered FM is tidying her room. Outlook e-mail notice *bink*.

"Please leave a check for your June rent, along with half the rent for the empty 3rd bedroom. Your boyfriend spends too much time here. Yours Truly, SS Sociopath."

After a week of not responding to my e-mail requesting that we sit down and talk. This is what I get. Caging the beast within me, I write back:

"Dear SS,
This is something we should discuss in person. I'll be home all afternoon if you have time to chat."

Right as I push "Send", I look out my window only to watch her mount her broomstick and zip away into the night sky. it was the afternoon. Live a little. Anyhow, I decide to run some errands since there's no chance we'll be talking while she's gone, and hardly any chance at all even when she's here. I later arrive home to her watching my TV on full blast, and baking her billionth batch of baked goods. Read carefully*:

"Hi SS, can we talk?"
[With zero eye contact] "I want to watch the debate on TV."
Agonizingly silent moment later:
"Well, is there a time we could talk?"
"Not now."

I don't know how she manages to bake with that club in her hand, but, knowing when I'm about to get knifed in the face, I retreat upstairs only to find this gem in my inbox:

"there is no discussion here. you continue to abuse my wishes and my things (ex. my stereo being moved to the garage) even after i made it clear 6 months ago it would not be tolerated. i may have to ask you to leave if i don't get some additional rent. i will also be collecting utilities and cable within the next few weeks."

Ah! The truth emerges. Sure, I moved the stereo to the garage because (1) it was broken and (2) SS explicitly informed me 6 months ago that she "doesn't know where the stereo came from, it was a previous tenants - I've never tried using it." While she dragged her knuckles around the kitchen, I hid in my room plotting my next move. I actually was so pissed off, that I got on Craigslist, managed to find someone who wanted me to move in within 2 weeks, and went and viewed the apartment all within the next hour. The apartment was actually a great deal except for (1) the fact that the kitchen and living room smelled like old Asian lady. I don't know exactly how to describe it but it evokes the image of brocade couches covered with plastic, Chinatown herb shops, and musty fireworks; and (2) the girl is a super-FOB from Beijing who wore socks and sandals, was somewhere between the ages of 17 and 40 (these damned Asian women...), and is a hardware engineer. But hey, who am I to complain? She looks like Giada De Laurentiis next to SS Socio.

I can't type all the details of the 1 hour+ tete-a-tete that ensued between me and SS, but here's a good synopsis of the incident:

In case I lost some of you: I'm not the monkey. Her grievances:

1. I moved the broken stereo to the garage, that she is now claiming belongs to her through common law marriage.

2. I placed the wine rack - yes, the one that fell off the wall and hit someone on the head because it weighs 5 lbs and is nailed into the plaster, not a wall stud - on the end table that sat below it.

3. I moved her cake tupperware (that had been sitting there for a week) from the kitchen table to a shelf.

4. I dared to set foot in her bathroom (which is adjacent to the laundry) to throw away the dryer lint.

Apparently, she considers these things "executive decisions." Holy crap, I mean...I didn't realize I was living with G. Dub.

Bottom line: I am not allowed to look at her things. Or think about them. Also, bear in mind that these are grievances she's been stewing about for 6 months, thus her reasoning for throwing my clothes on the floor? "I was making a point." And her reason for never communicating her issues? "Because I don't have to." Wow. Write QED on that one - we're done.

In any case, I managed to survive the spar, I don't have to pay for her unexplained need for 2 bedrooms, and best of all: she's moving out in August. If only you could see my shit-eating grin** right now.

*Note: translated from the original neanderthal, courtesy of babelfish.
**Note(s): definition 1, although since she's leaving, I don't care if you think it's 2 or 3.


Nonny Nu said...

Congratulations! You made MAYO status!!

Okay, I know that you think your problems are over, but they aren't. The fun is JUST BEGINNING. This is when she's going to not care anymore so you're going to have to step it up a notch and make her care. Now that you know she's leaving in August, you only have two months to win some justice for Reason in this crazy Monkey-filled world. DO THIS NOW:

1) Save her bills.
Take these from the mailbox. After she moves out, use the "Check this box if your address changed" box to change her address to, say, New Delhi or the neighborhood crackhouse (there's always one). This is especially wonderful if she has school loans.

2) Sign her up.
You have her email account, right? Start signing her up for stuff ALL OVER THE PLACE. You know, open an account for her for Ronco products, magazines, anything that will bring her spam. Don't forget to include her cell number--we don't want any telemarketers to miss this sweetheart.

3) Let her co-workers know who she really is.
Request mail order brochures to be sent to her workplace for her from the following places:
Naughty Bits and Bobs

But, we don't want her co-workers to think she's racey, so make sure you let them know she's not getting any:
Paper Crafts Magazine
Cat Fancy Magazine
Creative Knitting Magazine

4) Dust her "cake tupperware" with Visine.
If you can, add a few drops to each of her cookies the next time she bakes. She'll be the most popular girl in the office when everyone gets the runs with her next batch of cookies.

5) Leave "creditor" messages at her workplace.
Call her at work, but not her direct line. Call the main line, and tell a live person that her voicemail is full so you have to leave a message with the live person for her. Identify yourself as a creditor (pick wisely--something this list) and ask the person to inform her that you will have to send her bill to collections if she doesn't pay it in 30 days. Tell them that this is the final notice. Rumors spread fast in kindergarten.

6) Stab her in the eye.

7) Fish sauce as wiper fluid.
Replace her windshield wiper fluid with fish sauce. This will attract the flies that she so rightfully deserves, being the POS that she is.

Stillman said...

Nightmare. Think about (1) she could be lying about moving, (2) if she really is moving and you're on the lease she may try to stiff you on rent and there may be a dispute about security deposit and (3) if you're not on the lease she may terminate it.

Cpl. Conniption said...

nope, there's absolutely nothing good coming from this one, midge. the longer you stay, the better the chance she's gonna screw you. wrap up your loose ends and get the hell out of there.

Man from U.N.C.L.E. said...

I agree with stillman and cpl. conniption, Midget. I think you should pack up your things and disappear in the wee hours of the day while the princess of darkness hangs from the ceiling in either of her two bedrooms in a demonic slumber. Stick her before she sticks you. The best defense is a strong offense so get out first.

Here's a presumptuous deal on my part which I'd like to make to you, Midget. Your Aunt Nonny Nu has offered me a sofa to sleep on if I was ever near the Nu residence, but you can take my place given your circumstances, and my lack of mobility. Deal?

Freelance Midget said...

Sold - to MFU. :)

Cpl. Conniption said...

you aren't presumptuous mfu. our family knows they can stay with us as desired.

Nonny Nu said...

This was what I was envisioning when I made that offer.

Seriously, though, you should get out of there. Are you renting directly from the landlord? Or, are you subleasing from Satan? If the latter, then you should get out. If the former, then YOU WON! (But, you still have a lot of harrassing to do. So, chop chop!)

Stillman said...

Did she ever explain the "common law marriage"? Even if she does leave, you may inherit a dead body under the floorboards.