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Thursday, April 10, 2008

by cl. panic, soon-to-be diabetic guest blogger

I never cease to be amazed by regional differences in the availability of foodstuffs. Man from U.N.C.L.E., for example, can't get Maggi sauce to save his life. (Not that this is odd given that Maggi sauce is anything but traditional USA faire and is probably made from lead). Back in the day, a friend who went to school in North Dakota asked us to mail him salsa and corn chips.

On my recent trip to the Far East I discovered a delicacy never before seen on California grocery store shelves: Fluff. Big thanks to A-Dog for introducing me to Fluff, which undoubtedly contributed to my 6 lb. weight gain during a four night stay in Boston. (The medium regulahs also played their part.)

Fluff is made in Massachusetts by angels, who blend a secret recipe of pixie dust, reconstituted cumulus cloud and sugar in carefully controlled batches.† The result: a light and creamy marshmallow dream that's spreadable, spoonable, and just plain better than run of the mill "marshmallow cream."

Apparently our New English bretheren are just smitten over this stuff. They even make something called a "fluffernutter sammich," which consists of peanut butter and fluff. Fluff is also healthier than jelly, which is not only made from fruit, but can be deadly. A-Dog swears that fluffernutter sammiches are simply delightful.

Consumption of fluff is also endorsed by felines, which have been known to injure humans as a result of a phenomenon known as FFA (feline fluff addiction).

After my trip East, I'm partial to the use of Fluff in hot chocolate. No more annoying wait while the hot chocolate breaks down the tough marshmallow exterior. And Fluff reduces the risk of a partially melted marshmallow sticking to your upper lip (of particular concern for our mustached readers). Just creamy marshmallow goodness floating on a sea of rich chocolate . . . .

Although the folks at Durkee-Mower want deprive California residents of their carefully crafted delicacy, I was able to smuggle a tub past TSA on my return trip. Anyone in the "ungroomed crotch of the Bay Area" up for a tasting?

† Okay, so these may not be the listed "ingredients," but they have to protect trade secrets, right? How else could "Corn syrup, sugar syrup, vanilla flavor, and egg white with no artificial preservatives, stabilizers, emulsifiers, or colorings" require no refrigeration (even after opening) unless there is pixie dust or an angel involved in the production process?

Thanks to Flickr users presta (crazy Fluff covered Massholes) and uzi978 (Fluff and hot cocoa) for making their photos available under the creative commons.


sluggy peru said...

You omit the best potential uses of fluff which, luck would have it, would be perfectly appropriate in a hotel room in a far-flung city with one's gf on her birthday. Just sayin.

Cl. Panic said...

As if that would make it past our prudish overlord...

sluggy peru said...

We've worn her down. She lives with bobby after all.

Nonny Nu said...

Geez, how many times must I say this?? WE ARE NOT PINKO-COMMIES HERE. You can write whatever you want! But, that doesn't mean the rabbit must sit there with her eyes and ears covered...

Where's my fluff??

A-Dog said...

Fluff rocks my world.

Nonny Nu said...

Hi, A-Dog!

More importantly, however, where's my fluff???

sluggy peru said...

More importantly, however, where's my fluff???

um, I'm pretty sure after A-dog's comment that you don't want to go anywhere near her used fluff. :)

Two words: Safe-way.

Nonny Nu said...

Tip: Cool Whip Sammiches (white bread only, please).

a-dog said...

Forget the sammiches. I think Cl Panic should bake a cake topped with a mixture of frosting, cool-whip, and fluff. Now THAT would be heaven.

Nonny Nu said... should totally back an almond cake, Cl. Panic. That would be so good with the fluff. But, A-Dog, have you gotten your phyllo dough, yet? OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH, better idea. How about almond soufle in phyllo cup topped with fluff, whipped cream, and fresh raspberry? OMG, that sounds really good.

Nonny Nu said...

Hey, that FFA cat is really cute! Look at photo.

Cl. Panic said...

Yes, I think that Monty is a model or something. Guess that's required when you're owned by a professional photog.

He's got that Yin & Yang thing going for him too.

Lucky bastard.

Cl. Panic said...

Two words: Safe-way.

If you see Fluff brand Fluff at your neighborhood Safeway, let me know which one has it. 'Cause none of the ones near me do, and I don't know where there's a Pigly Wiggly or a Stop 'n Shop anywhere near here.

Man from U.N.C.L.E.: Do you have Fluff brand Fluff where you live? I know you avoid sweets, but I really must know. If you're deprived of both Maggi and Fluff, I think it's time to move.

sluggy said...

may interest you.

There are only 4 ingredients... dry yourself up some egg whites and you can make it at home. (picturing panic staring intently at goop on kitchen counter as he aims hair dryer at it)

Or, just order it

sluggy said...

crap, NN will you fix my links?

Nonny Nu said...

Sure thing!

sluggy said...

may interest you.

Nonny Nu is the best thing since sliced bread, and you should use 4 ingredients and make it at home for her. (picturing panic staring intently at goop on kitchen counter as he aims hair dryer at it so that Nonny Nu will have some Fluff)

Or, just order it here for Nonny Nu.

April 11, 2008 8:18 AM

Prof. Sykyvolchvinovich (emeritus) said...

picturing panic staring intently at goop on kitchen counter as he aims hair dryer at it so that Nonny Nu will have some Fluff

yah. i've read many tings here. buuuuut, none of which has been so sickening to my mind, yah. not dat i am against having a little bit of crazy fun, no, no. (reminder: pet rat needs vashing, much vashing. stains to go avay, bye-bye.)

vhere da hell ees da voodka! (snot-nosed occidental milk drinkers, sheesh.)

prof. s.

~ ~ ~

Man from U.N.C.L.E. said...

Can't say that I've seen Fluff on any grocery store shelf here in the midwest. It has been known to inhabit the shelves of Lover's Lane and Frederick's of Hollywood I'm told.

According to Rev. Dr. Terry Valentine the midwest is overrun with Fluff-ers who make a mass exodus to California in search of fame and fortune, only to wind up in the adult film industry.

sluggy peru said...

the midwest is overrun with Fluff-ers who make a mass exodus to California in search of fame and fortune, only to wind up in the adult film industry.

and may I offer a hearty thank you and hallelujah for their efforts.

Bobby Peru said...

i'm feeling love here today. i mean i'm really feeling the love...

~ ~ ~

whoozqueen said...

Hey, I just wanted to thank you for the link and the kind words about Monty, my Fluff-lovin' cat. He's not a model, though he damn well loves the camera *eyeball roll, grin* and sadly Im not a professional photog, just an amateur.

Fluff is the shiznit, though. Since I moved states, I've introduced new people to it...who still won't forgive me. I think they were screaming something about bigger thighs as they ran off into the distance with their jars and spoons. *shrug*

Here's another dose of Monty goodness.