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Thursday, May 24, 2007

Karmic Retribution/Check out these HANDS
by Freelance Midget (guest blogger)

I got curious this morning, so I took my flashy flats for a test drive today. Somehow, I am being punished for exploiting Nordstrom's liberal return policy as my feet are now (feeling like) what you would call bloody stumps. But whateva, whateva, I do what I want! (Ten points to any of you who can name that reference). I'll get my last laugh, after I hobble up to the shoe department, and give them back their Tin Man cobblery.

By the way, thanks to all the readers who threw in their 2 cents about my purchases.

Well, tally ho and on we go. Today's new quest has been to research octopi as pets. For those of you who didn't pay attention in Latin class (Ecce Romani! Flavia habitat in villa vicina*), octopi is more than one octopus. Sadly for me, you can only house one octopus in a tank at a time. Otherwise you get a Survivor-style match in your precious salt water aquarium, and somebody, has to die. Come to think of it, this may not be "sadly for me." I could take bets on my dueling octopi; maybe even start my own .tv series or YouTube it and become as famous as the Wannabe Jedi or Banana Hands Kids. Oh, the glory. I'd have to be somewhat discreet though, or I could have PETA on my ass, and god knows I can't live without my meat, or my ermine coat, and baby sealskin shoes...

Actually, that was a pretty ugly seal baby. No remorse here. JUST KIDDING. I love me some baby animals.

Ah! Something new at work: whitewater rafting, corporate style. At first I was excited, "White water rafting? I'm adventurous. Yes!" then I was...not so excited. I'm not sure if I'm in the minority, but I have a deep-seated fear of corporate events. Maybe it's because I don't like awkward schmoozing over booze - or in this case, awkward schmoozing while the old guy next to me wears his aqua socks (eightieeeeees) and soaking wet Hanes tee; or maybe it's because I still think of these things as having to talk to "adults." I have a sneaking suspicion that these feelings never really go away though, even when you're 38. Maybe when you're 55 and lit up with a martini in your hand, that feeling shrivels up and dies...especially when you're slurring out your next quasi-inappropriate joke to a quivering analyst.


The last time I attended a corporate event, walking through the booze party was akin to running the gauntlet. I tallied up 4 awkward encounters within 10 minutes, all within a 50 foot radius. It's charming to watch a partner at your firm run over a gaggle of analysts in order to belly up to the bar and shout "Grey Goose...on the rocks." [Sly smirk included, other restrictions apply]

Now that I'm on the subject of work, I sometimes play celebrity look-a-like while I'm bored (yes, so very rarely...). I haven't gotten too far in this endeavor but so far I'm proud to say I work with Will Ferrell (JS) and Will Ferrell's miniature offspring (GS) and Ben Kingsley (JJ). There is some peripheral debate, that in actuality, we have a Jeremy Irons on our hands. I most definitely don't agree. I do however believe that the vote is unanimous that the aforementioned partner is the true-life inspiration for Ralph Wiggum, from the Simpsons.

*Note: I might have made up this preposition here, but I'm too lazy to reconfirm with Google or Facebook.

16 comments:

Nonny Nu said...

But whateva, whateva, I do what I want! (Ten points to any of you who can name that reference).
OMG!!! That's Cartman as a twelve year old slut on a talk show!!

Ten points for me!!

Nonny Nu said...

You are not alone, Freelance Midget. I don't think ANYONE likes corporate events, no matter what age they are. You already work with the people for 8+ hours a day, and then you have to party with them? (And, yes, it's "have to"...) Screw that! It's just so forced. Awful thing is, I'm in charge of the summers this year so I'll have to go to all of the corporate events and try to come across as charming instead of an uncomfortable dolt who wished she was eating some greaseball noodle soup and reading a novel ALONE. :o(

White Haute Coco said...

" so I took my flashy flats for a test drive today."

oh, crap. i didn't know when i replied to your last post that you had already bought your clothes! i'm sure all of the stuff looks just fine on you, i was only ribbing you earlier.

"It's charming to watch a partner at your firm run over a gaggle of analysts in order to belly up to the bar and shout "Grey Goose...on the rocks.""

damn right it is! only goes to show you that they feel even worse than you do. alcohol is an excellent solution; consider following their lead.


" Maybe when you're 55 and lit up with a martini in your hand, that feeling shrivels up and dies...especially when you're slurring out your next quasi-inappropriate joke to a quivering analyst."

what does this tell you? is it your presupposition that those feelings shouldn't shrivel up and die? also, could quivering be to you what slurring a 'quasi-inappropriate joke' is to your elder?

---

ggggs. i never really knew how much of a bastard i am until now...

this rocks!

Freelance Midget said...

no worries coco chanel...i can thank my lucky stars for return policies :)

Nonny Nu said...

ggggs. i never really knew how much of a bastard i am until now...
You should have just asked me about it. I've known for years. In fact, anything you don't know? Just ask me about it.

Freelance Midget: What do I get for my ten points? And, it's so hilarious watching the girl I used to babysit and faux-spank be all caught up in corporate duties. XD

ogunsgirl1 said...

Love those silver shoes, Nonny! Cute, cute, cute!

Nonny Nu said...

Love those silver shoes, Nonny! Cute, cute, cute!
Hey, ogunsgirl! Those aren't my shoes--they're Freelance Midget's shoes! FM is guestblogging this week!

White Haute Coco said...

"In fact, anything you don't know? Just ask me about it."

okay, why do girls cry all the time? what is the deal with that!

Nonny Nu said...

okay, why do girls cry all the time? what is the deal with that!
So that they can get what they want from the men in their lives. Makes sense now?

Man from U.N.C.L.E. said...

Sorry midget, but I have to secretly ask Mr. Nonny Nu what he has in store for Nonny Nu's birthday? Since he has such a fashion style (as evidenced by his purchase recommendations for you), I'll bet he has something spectacular chosen to prevent Nonny Nu from crying all the time on her birthday.

Nonny Nu said...

I would also like to know. Last year, it was some very stylish duct tape that matched my favorite outfit. :o|

Man from U.N.C.L.E. said...

My comment wasn't snarky. It seemed that Mr. Nonny Nu really knew what he was talking about when he was advising Freelance Midget on her shopping choices. I'd take his advice if he had clothing suggestions for me.

Nonny Nu, isn't your birthday in just a few days? What are your big plans?

Nonny Nu said...

There's still another three or so weeks until the big day, Man From U.N.C.L.E. I don't have any big plans. Don't want to jinx anything.

:o\

White Haute Coco said...

"I have to secretly ask Mr. Nonny Nu what he has in store for Nonny Nu's birthday?"

and i must openly ask: which birthday? (no kidding, ask her.)

Man from U.N.C.L.E. said...

I truly thought that Nonny Nu was a 2 June kid. Must be she tricked me with some shameless begging for additional gifts last year. Could be she was pyramid scheme-ing a la the pull tab flyer, trying to recoup her $35.00.

Nonny Nu said...

pyramid scheme-ing a la the pull tab flyer, trying to recoup her $35.00
That's not a bad idea, Man From U.N.C.L.E. But, no, I was totally above board on that one. No, you're missing the other "2" in the date. btw, ogunsgirl has the same birthday!